Your 5 Jokes for June 24, 2014: Football Game Jokes

Australian Football

I've heard that Australian football is a lot rougher than the American version, but never believed it until I witnessed a game first hand.

In the first half, I saw 3 broken arms, half a dozen sprains, and at least 4 broken noses -- & that was just the cheerleaders.

Your 5 Jokes for June 23, 2014: Hair Loss Jokes

Best Hair Restorer

Richard Cooper's hair kept falling out and he complained to his barber.

"That stuff you gave me," he cried, "is terrible! You said two bottles of it would make me hair grow, but nothing's happened."

"I do not understand it," said the barber. "That is the best hair restorer made."

"Well," said Richard Cooper, "I do not mind drinking another bottle, but it better work!"

Your 5 Jokes for June 22, 2014: Schoolkid Jokes

Burnt

A seven year-old comes to class one morning after being absent the day before. His teacher asked, "Why weren't you at school yesterday?"

"Well, my Granddad got burnt," he explains.

"Oh dear. He wasn't too badly hurt was he?" the teacher replies.

"Oh yes, they don't mess around at those crematoriums!"

Your 5 Jokes for June 21, 2014: Golf Course Jokes

Counsel

Sidney went to a career counselor to determine what field he should enter.

After extensive testing, the counselor finally gave him the results.

"Well, Sid, you are a sadistic psychopath who enjoys inflicting pain, misery and suffering on others. You'd be a terrific golf course designer."

Your 5 Jokes for June 20, 2014: History Class Jokes

Birth

AKPOS: I wish I had been born 4,000 years ago.

TEACHER: Why?

AKPOS: I would not have to learn too much in History class.

Your 5 Jokes for June 19, 2014: Schoolteacher Jokes

Cheating

A teacher caught a student cheating on his Botany exam and brought him into the principal's office.

"Miss Smith, "asked the principal. "How do you know Johnny was cheating?"

"Because," replied Miss Smith, "I found that he had 7 flowers tucked inside his jacket and a bunch of pollen up his sleeve. This makes me very concerned about tomorrow's exam and what he might use to cheat on that. So I thought I'd better inform you of this now."

"What is tomorrow's exam?" asked the principal.

"Sir, it's an anatomy exam," replied the teacher.

Your 5 Jokes for June 18, 2014: Football Jokes

The Tickets

A buddy of mine, Mike, had season tickets to the Detroit Lions football Games. Last year they had such a miserable record that he couldn't give away two tickets to a game he wasn't able to attend. While parking at a mall, he decided to leave the tickets under his windshield wiper.

"And that worked?" I asked.

"Not exactly," said Mike. "I returned to find six more tickets to the same Game."

Your 5 Jokes for June 17, 2014: Elementary School Jokes

ABC’s First

One day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said "Say your ABCs first" The boy started saying "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z" The teacher asked at the end "Where is your P?" The boy answered "Running down my pants!!"

Your 5 Jokes for June 16, 2014: Divorce Court Jokes

First Steps

Judith meets her friend Naomi whom she hasn’t seen for many years. "So how are you getting on, Naomi?" she asks.

"If you really want to know," replies Naomi, "I’ve just taken the first steps towards my divorce."

"Oh," says Judith, "I’m sorry to hear this. Have you just seen a solicitor?"

"No," replies Naomi, "I’ve just got married."

Your 5 Jokes for June 15, 2014: Missing Person Jokes

Cancelled

Freda is getting worried. Her husband Bernie walked out of their house earlier that day and hasn’t returned. At 9pm she goes to her local police station to report a missing person.

While she’s giving details to the officer in charge, she gives him a photo of Bernie and says,
"When you find him, could you please tell him that my mother didn’t come after all. She decided she would stay the week at my brother’s house instead."

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