Share

Your 5 Jokes for May 15, 2014: Screaming Jokes

How They Would Like To Die

Santa and Banta were discussing how they would like to die.
Santa said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. I dont want to die screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same time."
Banta asked, "How did his friends die screaming while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?"

Santa replied, "His friends were the passengers in the car he was driving."

Your 5 Jokes for May 13, 2014: Gambler Jokes

Borrowing Money

Buckshot was a compulsive gambler, and would bet on anything and everything; horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot was down to his last dollar, he went to his best friend and said "Roy, I need $1000, we have no food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife won't leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help me out?" So his best buddy gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition, that he does not use the money for gambling. Buckshot's reply was "Oh, I have money put away for that."

Your 5 Jokes for May 11, 2014: Embarrassment Jokes

Apology

The lady was embarrassed and apologetic to the priest after church service was over, "Reverend, I hope you didn't take it personally, when my husband bluntly walked out of the room during your sermon."

"Yes, I did find it rather disrespectful to the Lord" the angry preacher cursed.

"Father, I assure you It was not a reflection on your religious intelligence and abilities."

The wife persisted. "You see John has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

Your 5 Jokes for May 10, 2014: Winner Jokes

Bingo

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $1000. The National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"Oh Hell," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."

Your 5 Jokes for May 09, 2014: Testimony Jokes

At The Solicitor’s Office

One evening, 75 year old Joshua says to his 73 year old wife Naomi, "We still haven't drawn up our Wills, darling, and I think we should do so as soon as possible. I know you've always been apprehensive about talking of death, but we aren't getting any younger and we owe it to our children. What do you think?"

"Well, ...... OK then," replies Naomi, "I suppose we must do it at some time. Why don't you call our solicitor tomorrow."

Two weeks later, following a stressful meeting with their solicitor, they are called in to sign their new Wills. As soon as they are seated in his office, the solicitor says to them, "OK, then. Which one of you two wants to go first?"

Your 5 Jokes for May 08, 2014: Score Jokes

Ronaldo vs. Scotland

It is the world cup qualifiers in 2006 Brazil vs Scotland. Carlos says "We can't be bothered to play Scotland. They are too easy".
"I'll take them on single-handedly" Ronaldo said. "You go to the bar."
So later on, they check the score Ronaldo 1, 10: 00 mins, Scotland 0.
Then they turn it off later on they say "The game should be finished check the score". Ronaldo 1, 10: 00 mins, Scotland 1, 89: 00 mins.
Then Ronaldo comes down and says "I let you down". “NO, you didn't. You got a draw," Carlos said.
"No I did I got sent off in the 12th minute," replied Ronaldo.