I walked into the kitchen, where my wife was drying up and thought she would try and be funny when she turned and said "I"ve got a knife and I’m not afraid to use it!" Waving the knife in my direction. I said, "Good, start peeling some potatoes I’m damn starving."
In a stationery store, Mike quickly picked out a card for his wife for their anniversary. The clerk was surprised by how little time it took him, and she began relating a story about another customer who spent a half-hour searching for the right anniversary greeting.
Noticing the man lingering over one card after another, the clerk went to see if she could help. "Is there a problem?" she asked.
"Yes, there is," he replied ruefully. "I can't find one my wife will believe."
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant."Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited."Don't be loud," said another, and so on."And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
Old-fashioned Zachary approached Lureen's father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage. "Sir," he blurted out, "I have an attachment for your daughter, and " "See here, young man," interrupted the parent, "when my daughter needs accessories, I'll buy them myself."
A Repentant Husband apologized to wife, "Honey, I got mad at you a lot, but you a never returned my verbal blows. How do you control your rage towards me?"
Wife replied, "I start cleaning the toilet when you get mad. It helps me soothe down."
Overwhelmed husband asked, "Perhaps flowing cold water, Is it?"
Wife replied, "No, cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush."
Ever since the local newspaper printed his obituary in error, Howard just can’t get it out of his mind that he really is dead. His delusion becomes such a problem that his sons finally pay for a psychiatrist to visit him to sort him out.
The psychiatrist spends many laborious sessions trying to convince Howard that he is, indeed, still alive, but nothing seems to work.
Finally the psychiatrist tries one last time. He takes some medical books with him to help him prove to Howard that dead men can’t bleed. After an hour of argument and book reading, it seems that he has finally succeeded.
"So, Howard," says the psychiatrist, "do you now agree with the medical establishment that dead men don't bleed?"
"Yes," replies Howard.
"Very well then," says the psychiatrist as he pricks Howard's finger with a pin causing it to bleed a little, "look at this. What does that blood tell you, Howard?"
"Oh! " says Howard, as he stares incredulously at his finger, "it means that dead men really do bleed."
A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people.
Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.
On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behaviour, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem" "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda."