Make Your Bed
After many sessions of counseling, the marriage counselor told Jane:
‘How many times did I tell you to make your bed?’
Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!
Excited
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered,
"If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
Lawn Mower Racing
Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the best and fastest in lawn-mower racing. It also brought out some colorful names. Entrants included: Weedy Gonzales, Blading Saddles, Turfinator, Sodzilla and Mr. Mowjangles.
Anything Broken?
Don was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement, and start decorating the house and tree. During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind.
His wife heard the noise, and yelled, "What was that thump?"
"I just fell down the stairs," he explained.
She rushed into the room, "Anything broken?!"
"No, no, I'm fine."
There was just a slight pause before his loving wife said, "No, I meant my decorations. Are any of them broken?"
Bragging
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, " You know, my son is a mechanical Enginner, who could fix any complicated machanical failures." The second woman says, "You know my son, works at Boeing fixing planes." The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well is school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman." The other two women ask "What is a sports repairman?" The woman then replies, "He fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...."
Electric Toothbrush
Man to his friend: I accidentally left my electric toothbrush on all night.
Friend: Really? So what happened?
Man: I’ve never seen the bathroom look so clean.
All The Colors
The girls car couldnt get started and traffic was tied up for blocks.
The light turned green, then yellow, then red.
“What’s the matter, miss," shouted the officer. “Don’t you like any of our colors?"
Glad
His wife had just learned to drive the car and now they were out in the suburbs racing along over seventy. “Doesn’t speeding over the beautiful country make you glad you are alive?" she asked.
“Glad?" He raised an eyebrow. “Glad in not the word for it. I’m amazed."
And A Bird Flew Over
My wife and I were sitting out on our back porch, enjoying a glass of lemonade after a long hard day. A bird flew over and, with perfect aim left a deposit squarely in the middle of my wife's head. She reached up, felt the damage, and shouted: 'Quick, get some toilet paper' 'It wouldn't do any good', I quipped, 'He's miles away by now.'
Bars
Charles, in jail, got a call from some friend, who was complaining about low network. This friend of Charles was fed up with low quality voice and finally asked him, "How many bars are there in your cell."
