5 Husband Jokes

Assert Yourself

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His wife says calmly, "The undertaker."

Evening Activity

During the cold winter a family was preparing to go out for an evening activity. The wife, who was normally bustling about getting the children ready to leave, was this evening instead standing right inside the front door, her arms full of coats.

And instead of being prepared to leave, her four small children were busy running circles around her playing one of their non-stop games of tag.

Her husband, coming down the stairs, was shocked at the spectacle.

“Honey," he said, “What are you doing just standing there? We’ll be late!"

“Here," his wife replied, handing him the coats with a smug smile, “I thought that this time you would like to have the privilege of putting the children into their coats, while I go and honk the horn."

Giving it a Try

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

The Computer Engineer’s Wife

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.

Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife : Have you brought the grocery?

Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning

Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife : What about my new TV?

Husband : Variable not found ...

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband : Too many parameters ...

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are useless.

Husband : It's by Default.

Wife : What about your Salary?

Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife : What is my value in the family.

Husband : Unknown Virus.


Eugene Sills went to see his attorney to make a will.

When it was all done, he told the lawyer that he wanted only one more thing added ....he wanted to be buried at sea.

"But why?" the lawyer asked.

"That's so my wife can be taken care of if she goes ahead with her threat to dance on my grave."

Related Collections

Couple jokes
Divorce jokes
Honeymoon jokes
Husband jokes
Husband And Wife jokes
Marriage jokes
Unfaithfulness jokes
Wife jokes


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